How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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