I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
