its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
