my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
