wrigley field is MILF paradise
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
