In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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