I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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