I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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