you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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