Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
