Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize
