I haven't been this sober since birth.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Never underestimate the power of titties
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
