You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
