So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
