You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
