I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
