She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
