this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
