A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
