You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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