mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
