Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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