I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
She said her name was "party"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
