Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
