Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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