somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
