I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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