i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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