Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
