On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
