So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
