apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We have started to decorate penises.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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