these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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