The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
