i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
