so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
false alarm, still single
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