Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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