your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
