Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I will be naked everywhere
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
