Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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