I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
