My Higher Power is John Stamos
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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