I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
