This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
