I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
