That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
