Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
