On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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