I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
