Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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